I thought that maybe I should share my story of the day my world came crashing down. The day I learned what true heartache is. The day I realized that I need to kill cancer.
Layla took up my whole heart when I found her. I didnt know one thing about cancer- except that it could kill. I didnt know children get cancer. A baby. Maybe it was those striking blue eyes that caught me, or that gorgeous beanie, but I knew from the moment I found her, that I loved her. And that I would not give up to fight beside her. I sat there reading through every single tweet, reading through every single blog. Layla quickly became the most important thing in my life at the moment. God put her im my life for a reason. God put her on this earth for a reason.
March 9, 2010. It was a regular Tuesday. I woke up, got ready for school. With a little time left before I would need to head out, I went to check my twitter. I went to check for an update on Layla Grace. I remember looking at the time- 7:10 am. I had 10 minutes before I needed to leave. There was no updates on Layla. At this point I was a mess. I prayed, more than I have ever prayed before, for God to spare little Layla's life. I wanted to believe in miracles. I questioned him and his decisions. And so I prayed... For her to let go. To be put out of this suffering. To be put out of pain.. It was by far the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I logged off and looked at the time again- 7:15 am. It was like I knew something was wrong. I wanted to stay home and just let it out. CRY. It didnt mean I was weak then and it doesnt mean I am weak now. My tears were my Fear leaving my body. And yet I was still so terrified. I live in a different time zone that Layla. So, 7:15 here was 6:15 down there. Even though I was an hour away from the actual death, I still felt horrible. I dont even thing horrible is the word. I was devestated. In this scary, foggy, position. I left to school for the day...
School was as normal as it gets. Other than the fact that I was holding tears back throughout the day, constantly looking at the sky and singing Rascal Flatts' "Here Comes Goodbye" I never put too much thought into it. I held every ounce of hope. I remember looking at the clock at school. 9:15 am. I looked at it again, 11:15 am. Once more, 2:15. I turned to my friend and told her, "Every time I look at the clock its on '15'. I remember that moment so perfectly. The school day had ended and I wanted to be alone. Instead, I went to the park with my friends. I should have went home, though. I should have been able to grieve in silence. The sky was breathtaking. I can see it. Perfectly. I took a picture of it and on the picture I can see the sun's rays. Like Heaven. I couldnt wait to get home to get my update on Layla. My heart hurted.
When I returned home, I took out my IPod and went to go see if there was an update. I remember so clearly. Like, it just happened yeterday. Worst day of my life, thus far. I read it over and over and over. Then, I whispered it. Like I didnt want to beleive. But, it was there.
"Layla went to play with the angels early this morning. Rest in peace precious Layla. 11/26/2007 - 3/9/2010"....
I fell to the ground. Hands shaking. Sobbing. I put my head in my hands. Cried. Everything was so blurry. The room was spinning. What in the world just happened. Did Layla really just die? Is this pain real? Except, I didnt feel the pain anywhere else but my heart. I was physically and emotionally drained. Again, I threw my head in my hands and whispered "No, no, no, no, no". Cried. More than I have ever cried before. The tears did not stop flowing. I cried myself to sleep that night. The feeling was like being stabbed, over and over, in my heart. But that feeling never went away. When I laugh or smile, I still feel that pain. Under everything, I feel it everyday. Every second.
Some people question me. "How do you love her so much when you never met?" "How do you miss someone you never met?." Layla pulled me out of the unknown path I was heading towards. She made my life better. She gave me reason to keep going. I hardly made it before I found Layla. She saved my life. She gave me reason to get out of bed every morning. And how can you just "drop" someone who made such an impact? Someone who moved into your heart instantly? While Layla suffered, my heart suffered with her. When she cried, I cried. When she smiled, I smiled. You cant forget someone who changed your life. Someone who gave you meaning.
Here I am, almost 8 months later. Going strong but never forgetting. I miss and love Layla more and more with each passing day. The fact that she passed slowly gasping for air, down to 18 pounds, eyes bruised and unable to lift her head, haunts me. A innocent 2 year old was gone. Forever. And the pain is still alive to this day. 10 months of fighting Stage 4 High Risk Relapse Neuroblastoma must have been so hard on her little body. She was just a baby! Now, shes cured and happy in the glory land. It doesnt mean my heart still doesnt hurt. I thank god for healing her. Even if it wasnt in the way I wanted.
Rest In Peace baby. I Love You. I Miss You.
Layla Grace Marsh
11/26/2007 - 3/9/2010
www.laylagrace.org
www.twitter.com/laylagrace
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